Author's Note: This article is not meant to come off as an attack, I know the beginning can feel that way. I wrote it from my own personal experience, and I was intending to help jolt people into awareness if they could relate, so they could do something about it.
-Spike
Do you have real friends who you can rely on and trust to help you when you need it most, or just people you hang out with and talk to in shallow ways to fill your time so you don’t have to feel the dull ache of loneliness?
In the era of the internet and fast paced world we live in, most young people only have the latter. You can talk to and get along with people on varying levels, but you never quite feel safe or comfortable being entirely yourself or entirely open and honest with them. You don’t dare share too much, and you’re always careful to craft the right image to try to please them. On the inside, you feel like no one truly understands you, and you’re all alone, but you pretend you aren’t because you have so many people to talk to. This is not real friendship, and it’s holding you back from living a full life, like most things in our modern world.
It isn’t just false/shallow buddies that we find online who can numb the pain and help us ignore the void of loneliness, but also friends in person who never go beyond the buddy stage. Those who are like roommates or coworkers who chat with you for some basic social contact are fine relationships to have in themselves. The problem is, when that is all you have and you never have a single soul to feel completely safe opening up to. Sometimes we need to go deeper, to really spill what’s bothering us and get support. Most (shallow) people will be bothered when you try that, because most people today unfortunately are very self-serving. What you need is a true friend, someone who will put you first sometimes (and vice-versa), because they care about you. What does that mean?
If someone cares about you it is not because you are interesting, useful, or valuable to them as a means to an end. It means they care about who you are, as a person and a human being. There is some level of genuine love involved, to the point where they are willing to hear you vent, and maybe offer advice too (if it is wanted). Generally this will lead to a mutual level of care, or at least very close level; otherwise the relationship will eventually fall apart.
It’s important to try to keep things balanced. At the beginning, you will probably start out just as buddies because of a mutual interest or something similar, but as time goes on you will grow a bond that is tied simply to the person themselves. As people grow and change, we can be careful to see if the people we are close to show signs of growing in the same direction as us or not, and gracefully letting go of people who grow apart; while hanging on to those who will follow us and lead us in the way we want to go.
For Christians, this means growing closer to God and deepening our walk in Godliness. Most of the remainder of this article will be specific to Christians, because as I have said, true friends require a type of love; and it is my belief, as the bible says, that only those who know God can truly love; as all love comes from God. What the world has is a feeling, and maybe even goodwill, but it will be empty and broken if the person trying doesn’t know God’s love, we learn real selfless love only from God. Anything not from God is a cheapened distortion of it, “every good thing is from above.”
A good friend isn’t just there when you want them to make you feel better. Sometimes they are there to help you when you don’t want advice. Love means one cannot tolerate it when someone they care about is hurting themselves, they must at least talk to them and try to stop it. You don’t tolerate it when someone you love is walking towards a cliff because they can’t see the ledge or they think it will be fine, or they think they deserve it. Whatever the reason, you grab their arm and yank them away; even when you know that may mean directing their anger towards yourself. That is selfless love.
“Open rebuke is better than secret love.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.”
Proverbs 27:5-6
On the contrary, we often have false friends or shallow buddies who make us feel good about anything we want to do. A true friend won’t support it when we want to make a bad decision, they will try to make us question it and seek wisdom from God instead. Someone who is apathetic about your well-being, physically, mentally, and spiritually; is more like an enemy than a friend. Maybe a friend of convenience, or a buddy, or someone you can mutually get something from*. No one needs people in their life who are transactional in their relationships (business relationships aside). It is better to have a few real friends than many shallow buddies. It will be a simpler, fuller and more joyful life when you have fewer connections, but they all truly care. Of course, if you are an extravert or outgoing introvert, there is nothing wrong with chatting with many people. Just remember to prioritize deeper relationships; you will reap what you sow.
Beware also of friends or buddies who are a bad influence… That topic could be its own article, but for now I’ll simply share verses with a piece of wisdom. If someone is enticing you or encouraging you to act in a way that you know is against God or against your own personal morals; it is best to cut them out of your life. Use discernment, you can tell when someone is just making a mistake, versus a habitual evildoer.
“Depart from me, ye evildoers: for I will keep the commandments of my God.”
Psalm 119:115
“Forsake the foolish, and live; and go in the way of understanding.”
-Proverbs 9:6
When I was 19, just a few years ago, something changed in my life. I wanted to start pursuing God more seriously, and learn as much truth as I could about the world too. None of the friends I had at the time were going that way, so we naturally drifted apart. For years the only people I talked to were my family members, or people at church, just small talk.
Initially it was lonely, but by losing all my friends, I had learned how to rely on God alone. No other life lesson has been as valuable, or likely ever will be again; God is the one true constant, who will never leave, forsake, or fail us. He will always help us go in the right direction and support good choices, while the Spirit inside nags at us if we're making bad choices. The spirit is louder and easier to hear when we aren't using vices to numb ourselves, and when we embrace God by reading the bible and leaning into prayer. I digress, learning to lean on God as my one true constant was very healthy, but he made us to be social, and I realized I would need human friends again; and I have found a few gems. I personally had to lose all of my friends and rely on God alone before I found myself and started to understand my life direction, but blessed are those who can cut out their bad friends and lean on God, while maintaining good friends.
Good friends will support your attempts to improve your life, and especially to grow closer to God, but they will not support things they think will harm you. Everyone needs that one person, who you know you can tell anything to, and who isn’t afraid to tell you anything. If you don’t have that today, check your relationship with God first; if it is in good order then ask God to put that person in your life. God doesn’t always give us exactly what we ask for, but he always gives us exactly what we need; and in his infinite wisdom he does it in the perfect timing. Until then, practice waiting on God. When you have good friends, remember to pray for them; it will do wonders in your relationships; especially if you can get them to pray with you. God bless
Losing Friends, Gaining Faith, from Going by Faith
Some friends actively prevent us from pursuing God or make us feel ashamed for doing so. Jesus said we must put him before any other, and I can say life is a lot smoother when you prioritize the one who will never do you wrong. Be mindful of your priorities, and if necessary, don’t be afraid to cut people out; often they’ll lose interest in you anyway if you start pursuing God faithfully. Or ideally, they will want to follow and find God too. Just don’t straddle the fence and hide your faith for the sake of the world, everyone loses in that situation, especially you.
Why Successful People Leave Their Loser Friends Behind, from MotivationGrid
Some types of people will hold you back in life. Don’t feel obligated to people if they don’t offer true value to you. Do they really care and help you, or is it just that you have known them for a long time? When we get closer to God, it is easier to make these discernments.
Four Levels of friendship, from Institute in Basic Life Principles
A nice article about each stage of friendship, from a biblical perspective.
The Best Friends Can Do Nothing for You, from The Atlantic
*This idea is expanded on here; a secular, but well-written article about the difference between real friends and "deal" friends.